Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
