I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
