Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
