I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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