I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
