The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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