When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
