My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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