he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
