Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
