I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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