first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's the barista slut.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
