I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
