he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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