Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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