two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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