drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
