i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
