You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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