when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
