Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
