your thong is hanging out like whoa
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
