Michael Bay diarrhea
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
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Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
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Boobs speak an international language.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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