she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
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I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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