Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
