We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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