she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How drunk are you?
Completed.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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