Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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