I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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