Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
