I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
