one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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