i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
