fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
