My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
