Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
