worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
