Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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