I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
