I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
