I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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