I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
