I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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