took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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