I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
