I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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