i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
