So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Too much gin, very little bucket
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
