During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I believe in your delicious
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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