im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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