If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
