Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
