so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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