every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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