This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
