It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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